The Good Kind of Dorky

 

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Almost Daily Journal Entry -- The Cringe Factor



Today my journal entry was, "I like my thighs. It feels like a lie saying this. It feels like I want to take it back, like it's not okay to say this. Maybe if I say it enough I'll believe it, so, I like my thighs."

I say to myself that I like my thighs. It makes me cringe. My stomach tenses up and I feel nervous and anxious. I say it outloud to myself. It sounds like a foreign language. I feel like I am betraying someone dear to me. Everything I'm saying is everything that I never tell myself. I say to myself, "I like my stomach. I like my hips. I like my thighs." I touch my skin. I feel very real. I don't feel perfect. I feel full from the pizza I ate for dinner. My stomach is bulging a little bit. But I still say that I like my stomach. I like my thighs. I feel deprived. I feel thirsty. I want to leave these positive words behind because they feel painful.


3 Comments:

  • At 10:30 AM, Anonymous spankypants said…

    How brave you are!!!!!!!

    It's funny isn't it, how positive things can feel alien and weird and uncomfortable and repulsive sometimes. But usually only when you're not used to them and not quite knowing how to accept them. lauren is right, i think, about the power of saying things. You have to keep saying it--eventually you will believe it.

    Example from my own life: when I first met luis, i kept breaking up with him because, unconsciously, he did not fit my unhealthy pattern. I actually kept saying to him, "This just doesn't feel right," although I was unable to come up with a reason why. i was just rejecting the positive.

    but it was because he was a positive influence. he was giving me things that i needed that i wasn't used to getting. it took a while to get used to. but i did.

    keep going, it will get easier. you deserve it and you are absolutely beautiful and gorgeous and wonderful exactly as you are. every single bit of you. (that I've seen anyway. ;-)

     
  • At 12:03 PM, Blogger Sarah said…

    I'm proud of you friend. I know that's probably one of the hardest ones for you to say, but you did it and that was very brave. Eventually it'll start to feel good. You can do it!

     
  • At 4:29 PM, Anonymous Lindsey said…

    Thank you for the support. I am so blessed to have friends like you guys in my life. Spankypants--you are so right...it is like you and Louise!!! I hadn't thought of that! It totally is a "it doesn't feel right" scared thing. It is so hard to accept the positive when i've been negative for SO long. And it's not that I'm negative about every part of my body, but i feel like i'm not supposed to be happy about my body, that i'm SUPPOSED to sabbotage myself. Anyway, thank you guys for believing in me and my self-improvement journey! You both inspire me in so many ways, each day.

     

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