The Good Kind of Dorky

 

Monday, June 04, 2007

On a slippery slope to assvice

You guys definitely had some great advice/opinions about leggings. It's amazing how strongly you feel about certain fashion trends. I LOVE hearing what you think!!

So I'm trying to limit my wedding talk. My 5 mintutes I gave myself for today turned into hours. Edgar and I are meeting with the director of catering at a golf club tomorrow night to see the site and see what they offer. I hope it turns out to be a place to consider. We looked at two places over the weekend--one of them we loved, but it is very, very $$$$ Too much $$$$$ I'm trying to keep some sort of budget. I want to have what I want and it WILL be nice and classy, but I also want to be realistic.

Can I just say that I hate competitive women who always think they have to one up other women. Edgar's sister-in-law is like that. Sometimes we get along really well and she is supportive and sweet, but then she will turn around and talk down to me and try to make herself sound like she's better and everything she has is better than what I have. I'm not jealous of her. I think she sounds insecure when she says shit to me, but it gets under my skin so badly. For example, when I told her I want to keep my wedding dress and accessories to no more than $1,000, she said, "My dress cost $5,000." I was telling her some of my ideas for my wedding last week and then all of a sudden last night she was using what I said to insult me or try to make herself sound and/or feel better. Like, I was telling her my estimated budget and her reply was, "Oh, I didn't have a budget. I don't even know what my wedding cost." It's like, why even say that? That's a shitty thing to say. I know she is just like that...it's pathetic, but it's how she is. Yesterday in reference to me being a budget, she said, "You could have your reception at my neighborhood's clubhouse. There is a playground and a big grill." Like, WTF? It pissed me off so badly and it was so insulting. I said budget, not backyard BBQ (not that there is anything wrong with that, but it was very obvious that that is not what I'm looking for) I just looked at her and I was like, "umm, I guess it's something to think about," because I didn't want to be rude. UGHHHH

Sorry to just vent about all of this, but it seriously makes me more upset than it should. I can't stand feeling like I have to be defensive all of the time and I hate feeling like someone is trying to tell me what I do or have is not good enough. My wedding is going to be classy and pretty and I'm going to do it how I want...I'm not going to go into debt just to try to be "better than her," because let's face it, I could spend a million dollars and she would still find something that "wasn't as good as what she did." I'm having this wedding to marry the man I love in front of my friends and family. I'm making choices based on what will make Edgar and me happy, not to try to be better than anyone else. In my heart, I know this. Maybe I should start talking back to sister-in-law...I do have a tendency to let some people walk all over me. My true friends are supportive of me and would never make me feel this way...

Can you tell how much she is bothering me?? UGH, I need to just find a way to let it go. I think I just need to grow some balls and talk back when she treats me like shit. Right?

25 Comments:

  • At 3:22 AM, Anonymous alyndabear said…

    She does sound a smidgen jealous, actually. I reckon she's just wishing she had the same smooshy relationship you and Edgar have. Squee!

    (And I firmly believe you don't need to spend a bajillion dollars to have a classy and elegant wedding suited to YOU.)

    It'll be awesome. And it'll be all for YOU guys, so try and ignore the bitchiness. When you have an extra $5000 to spend on sexy leggings instead of one random name-brand bridal gown, who's going to be more jealous? Hee. xo

     
  • At 9:36 AM, Blogger Mrs. Higrens said…

    Ugh. I'm so glad I didn't have anyone like that to deal with when planning my wedding. Sounds like she needs to grow up and realize that everyone is different and that what was right for her isn't going to be right for you.

    My dad did the "Father of the Bride" thing, he sighed and handed over the checkbook to my mom and I. I was lucky that my parents could pay for my wedding without giving me a budget, but I totally respect that not everyone has that ability. Even so, I tried to not pick the most expensive things if there was an equivalent cheaper option because there was no sense in spending extra money just to spend the extra money.

    Good luck with your sister-in-law, and the meeting at the golf club.

     
  • At 11:26 AM, Blogger Aimee said…

    This comment has been removed by the author.

     
  • At 11:27 AM, Blogger Aimee said…

    Yeah, she's totally insecure and lame. And you CAN'T buy taste, so you're already miles ahead of the game. When she said she spent $5000 on a dress, you should have said, "wow, I'm not sure I'd admit to that if I were you" or something equally cryptic. Polite, yet, notsomuch.

    It doesn't make any sense to spend a frillion dollars on one day. There's nothing wrong with setting a spending limit - there are TONS of opportunities to get exactly what you want without spending a ton. (read: be crafty! look for alternatives!)

    Good luck. Let me know if you need anything. :)

    And also, You're totally prettier than her - even if you wore that horrible patchwork dress. LOL
    And stop telling her about the wedding stuff. She can't comment if she's not in the loop. :D

     
  • At 12:16 PM, Blogger Chiada said…

    Awww, I'm sorry you had to deal with those comments. They were not very thoughtful, to say the least. It is hard to stand up for one's self, especially to a 'relative' because you don't want to make problems. But sometimes it might be appropriate to nicely say something about what she said; maybe tell her that it hurt your feelings and why did she say it. I dunno. I have been around people like that in the past, and it is very hurtful. Fortunately I have been able to break off ties over time. Harder to do when you are related, though.

     
  • At 12:28 PM, Blogger Julie said…

    Would you like me to take her out Brooklyn Style?
    You'll never hear from her again...


    But seriously, you should say something to her next time. Otherwise your whole entire life will just be that, her talking down to you and you just feeling shitty and wanting to kill her.

    I just broke off a relationship with a person who I considered a pretty good friend because for the past few months she has been acting very selfish and making fun of me for stupid little things. So after she did it the last time I just told her flat out that I did not feel comfortable being friends with her anymore. And sure I feel awful but what can you do?

    I know you can't just break off contact with her, but you have to do something. Even if it is invite me down for a weekend to scare her.
    :)

     
  • At 1:23 PM, Blogger Julie said…

    Ive got nuttin but love for ya Lindsey.

    Thanks for the advice too.
    I know it sucks.
    :(

     
  • At 2:21 PM, Blogger Carrie said…

    When someone acts out like that, it just means that they are unhappy with something in their life. Mean people want others to feel their pain. I wouldn't talk back. I am a push over too but I also don't like chaos. Just brush it off or avoid her. Anyway this wedding is about YOU and EDGAR. Not HER.

    Plus getting yourself upset is only hurting you and not hurt so just know in your heart that you are fine with your decisions.

     
  • At 2:25 PM, Anonymous audrey said…

    I'm sorry you're having to deal with that -- planning your wedding is supposed to be about you and Edgar and what you want. You shouldn't have to deal with the stress of a jealous sister-in-law.

    We had a budget for our wedding, which, let's just say it was a bit below the average Colorado wedding cost at the time ($20,000! for the AVERAGE wedding! can you believe that?!). But whenever I look back at my wedding, I know without a doubt that even with an unlimited budget, I would have done everything exactly the same. It was all perfect. And I didn't have to spend gobs and gobs of money for it to be that way.

    And, by the way, feel free to limit your wedding talk to 5 minutes a day with Edgar if you want, but don't hold back on us here. I love reading about your wedding planning!

     
  • At 2:43 PM, Blogger melanie said…

    hi...you don't know me (i'm one of julie's friends), but i was reading this post and it home with me BIG time...

    she is TOTALLY insecure (thank you b.s. in psychology!). she wouldn't feel the need to say anything if she didn't think or feel threatened that your wedding might end up being more spectacular than hers...which, given her attitude, may be a very easy feat...

    on another note, my fiancé and i are also planning our nuptials and i have had more than a few of our female "friends" try to lend me advice as to how i should plan my wedding. mind you some of them are married, but most are no where near walking down the aisle and are living vicariously through me which may be part of the problem too...

    my advice: plan the day that you and edgar want and make it the best day that you can afford. there is no reason to start wedded bliss in more debt than you can even fathom...

    and as for the dress - check out the filene's basement annual 'running of the brides' - it may be kinda cheesy, but its a lot of fun and a nice bonding experience for you and your wedding party...

     
  • At 3:54 PM, Blogger L Sass said…

    Seriously, ugh. Like, she needs to somehow justify herself by outspending you?

    Stick to your budget--heck, go under and put a down payment on a house!!

    And if you have any problems with s-i-l, I'll go over to Queens and punch her. Look out. I'm tough.

     
  • At 4:37 PM, Blogger janet said…

    Maybe you can just try to avoid getting into that kind of convo as much as possible, but if it comes up I think it's totally fine to say, It really hurts my feelings when you try to one-up me whenever we talk about the wedding, or something like that. I know...easier said than done?

     
  • At 6:17 PM, Anonymous Motherload said…

    Melanie, we're trying to set a limit so that Lindsey doesn't bankrupt US. We know how she rolls. :-/ When I read some of the comments and heard what SIL had to say, it makes the word 'budget' seem like a bad thing. I feel we're being very generous in the amount of money we've made available. Europe can wait a few more years. Really. It'll be fine. :-P

    As for SIL I, too, recommended not discussing the wedding when she is around. If she asks how plans are coming along, the response should be "Fine". End of subject.

    And to all of you... I love how many comments come in on weddings and fashion. It's great!

     
  • At 7:03 PM, Blogger Cece said…

    Holy shit she sounds like a bitch! WTF? I'm sorry she got to you. Girl, don't let people get to you, seriously.

    A beautiful wedding can be pulled off on a budget. I'm proof of that! Our budget was only $5k and we did it. Shoot email me & I'll show you pictures! lol

    When it comes to wedding planning you're gonna get A LOT of advise & opinions. You need to develop thick skin or grow balls to defend yourself. You're not going to please everyone, and that's OK. Do what makes you happy!

     
  • At 8:05 PM, Anonymous Maya said…

    The one-upmanship......KILLS ME. The funny (well, not ha-ha, but odd) thing is? It happens at all levels of budgets - so not that I'm saying don't feel bad, but don't feel alone about that.

    But I have just one question: Why do you limit yourself in the wedding talk? I LOVE the wedding talk. We are (mostly) girls here....and I'd venture to say that *most* of us crave the wedding talk like Ben & Jerry's or chocolate.

    Now - budget wise: Here is the mantra to repeat to yourself/ves: EVERYONE HAS A BUDGET. WE ARE ACTUALLY GOING TO STICK TO OURS. OUR WEDDING IS OUR WEDDING, NOT ANYONE ELSE'S, AND *WE* ARE REALLY THE ONLY ONES WHO NEED TO BE THRILLED BY IT.

    I wish some of my clients would chant that to themselves before they get all bogged down, stressed out and in the red.

    Congratulations (from someone who spent maybe $5500 and had a GREAT wedding that people still remark on, seven years later.)

     
  • At 9:51 PM, Anonymous Kaite said…

    Stick to a budget, youwill thank yourself later. And there is nothing unrealistic about buying your guwn and accessories for $1000. It is soooo easy to get wrapped up in all the wedding hype, and it being the "perfect day". But in reality it will be perfect, and you don't need to spend millions.

     
  • At 11:33 PM, Blogger Angela said…

    Have you ever seen that SNL sketch where the girl constantly one-ups everyone around her? No matter what people say, she always comes up with something ridiculous to one-up them. It's hilarious and that's the first thing I thought when I was reading your post. Good luck, I'm sure this will probably be the first of several wedding-related frustrations, but it will all be worth it in the end.

     
  • At 11:12 AM, Blogger The "Mind" said…

    I think she's a bit jealous that the whatever attention she normally gets is going to be slathered all over you for a change.

    And as much as you feel you need to speak up, do what you can to just let it roll off your back. Just say, "Well, this wedding is about Edgar and I, so this is the way we are doing it." And leave it at that.

    Then come here and bitch about her. I have no doubt she's going to frustrate you to no end, but I also don't think anything you can say to her will make her stop. So do your best to ignore her.

     
  • At 1:11 PM, Blogger Aimee said…

    Was I the only one who giggled when I saw Cece's hilariously foul-mouthed comment right under the mother of the bride's comment? teehee.

     
  • At 9:42 AM, Blogger Julie said…

    Lindsey-

    I've been thinking and I've decided that you should try to one up her each time she tries to talk to you about things. But make everything so silly and ridiculous that she thinks you're nuts and then she won't talk to you about that stuff anymore. An ex boyfriend of mine (my first real love actually... puke!) used to e-mail me or IM me just to tell me that he was moving to China to study or that he was now living in LA and working for Disney. So I just started making up stupid things like I was studying for my Law Degree at Harvard and that my new boyfriend was an A&F model and man he is better than you in... haha Ok I'll stop now.

    Just a thought-

    Julie :)

     
  • At 1:00 PM, Anonymous Sarah said…

    Hi Lindsey! First, I don't think you should limit your wedding talk (here. Because I ♥ wedding talk), second, that girl needs a swift kick in the hiney! I am sorry she felt like she had to one-up you! I can't stand that petty BS! And third, a shameless plug for www.mustloveweddings.com, my home away from home (even now, after I am married...)

     
  • At 9:33 AM, Blogger The "Mind" said…

    Oh, yeah, Cece's right about her wedding. They had a gorgeous wedding, her pictures are absolutely awesome. You'd never know that they only spent $5k.

    Especially considering her and I have a mutual acquaintance who spent, what was it Cece, didn't Ann spend like $25k on her wedding or something, and I swear to you the reception hall looked like it was the church basement.

    And her hair, OMG, don't get Ann started on her hair, she was whining about it still a year later. LMAO!

    Anyhow, you can do a lot with a little money. You just have to prioritize where you spend the bigger bucks and where you can scrimp a bit.

    Oh, and I lurve wedding talk. Not that I'm having one anytime soon, but it doesn't stop me from having a membership at The Knot and occasionally perusing engagement rings and wedding dresses.

    Just don't go with this one, okay?

     
  • At 1:58 PM, Blogger Erika said…

    I agree with alyndabear. It's probably jealousy about something you don't even realize is envy-worthy. J's sister got married in their hometown just like we did, and there are limited options for receptions and obviously we both married at the same church (hers was about 8 months after ours). Everything about her wedding was like ours plus 30% $$$. I don't even think she did it to one-up me, but it was like "yes, we're having the same liquor, but top shelf" or "yes, we're having the same number of pew decorations but ours will be hydrangea" and I couldn't help but feel assaulted. She also had a $5000 dress...I have just learned to appreciate the fact that they buy the best and we don't, but we can mooch off of them.

     
  • At 2:01 PM, Blogger Erika said…

    30% doesn't sound like a lot. She spent much more than I did, let's put it that way. I spent (what I felt like was) a lot, but my dress was $450, so let's have some perspective.

     
  • At 10:48 AM, Blogger Frema said…

    You are very classy, Lindsey, because I don't think I could hold my tongue with some of her comments. When someone is rude first, all bets should be off.

    Also, Luke and I spent about $7,500 for our Indiana wedding, and it was beautiful. My dress was $350 and from David's Bridal, and it was perfect. A $5,000 wedding dress blows my mind.

     

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