The Good Kind of Dorky


Friday, February 15, 2008

Happy Virtual Engagement, Jen

Happy Virtual Engagement, Jen. Sarah and I put our minds together to bring you this: Our gift to you. A timeless classic. A variation on a theme, if you will. Enjoy it. Cherish it. Love it like you love Joel (or Brad Pitt)--until the end of time.

Dear Joel:

This morning I cried
Not because I was sad
Not because something was wrong
But because we’re getting married
For once I feel a sense of wanting to stay home barefoot and pregnant with our lovechild
I find myself wanting to give oral in over abundance to someone special
Someone that allows me to talk about any and everything
Someone that admires my cats
Someone whose laugh sends tingles through my body
It seems as if that year (and that other year, and the other one too) of waiting for you to finally propose to me never existed
We’ve stepped back in without missing a beat…
I find myself touching and caressing myself every hour on the hour (sometimes even twice)
But in my mind I’m visioning someone other than you
At this moment of intimate thought my hands are no longer my hands they are Brad Pitt’s
Exploring the cavernous depths of my woman hood
Indulging in my warm and my moist treasure that I am sure you would enjoy, like a warm, moist Betty Crocker cake fresh out of the oven
As I continue to explore and reach a climax from the indescribable and long awaited sensation from Brad Pitt’s touch
I shed a single tear
Yes, one single tear
For it is at this moment that I realize that I miss you immensely and how much I long for your touch…
(but first I must finish up with Brad Pitt)

I open myself up to you
I am ready to be naked and freaky with you
I give you
My Heart
My Mind
My Soul
but mostly My Body
And all of my issues (especially those concerning Brad Pitt)
While thinking my inner most thoughts
I (literally) open myself up to the touch of your hands
I am passionate about the touch of your lips
Right this moment I am longing for the touch of your body co-existing with mine
I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives wrapped in the thought of you loving me
Loving me in ways I thought were only meant for fairy tale romances or low budget porn movies
And again I cried
Not because I am sad
Not because of something being wrong
But because I know it’s really over for me and Brad Pitt

Of course, every bride-to-be knows the importance of trying on many gowns and doing her best to really invision the Big Day.

We love you, Jen! Happy Engagement!
~Lindsey and Sarah


  • At 12:04 PM, Anonymous RA said…

    Those photoshopped pictures are too much! I am speechless.

  • At 12:43 PM, Blogger Marriage-101 said…

    OMG, those pictures are the best!

  • At 1:21 PM, Anonymous audrey said…

    OMG the poetry! I love it! You're KILLIN' me (and Smalls) over here!

  • At 1:28 PM, Anonymous cady said…

    hehehe...i love those pics! and the poem was awesome.

  • At 1:44 PM, Blogger Julie said…

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  • At 1:59 PM, Blogger Julie said…

    Wrong blog comment.

    Anyway- Those pictures are so effing hillarious. Can you photoshop me into the one with Tony Park... I loves him

  • At 2:01 PM, Blogger Operation Pink Herring said…

    You sneaky minx. After all the drunken things I have admitted to you over Gchat, you could have at least warned me! I would have worn something decent!

    That is my all-time favorite poem, EVAH. And I have double=checked the shared drive at work to make sure I have not put anything "personal" in there!

  • At 3:16 PM, Anonymous alyndabear said…

    OMG Lindsey, Sarah - this one had me in HYSTERICS!

  • At 6:21 PM, Blogger Sarah said…

    Best. Post. EVA. 4 EVA, EVA.

  • At 6:57 PM, Blogger *~*Cece*~* said…

    Wow. Look at all those white kids.

  • At 11:50 AM, Blogger Aimee said…

    Yeah, where the heck did all those white kids come from?
    Loving the poem ladies - and the photos.

  • At 9:00 PM, Blogger L Sass said…

    Who is the one with all the kids??? Someone tell me!!!

  • At 3:34 PM, Blogger Frema said…

    "It seems as if that year (and that other year, and the other one too) of waiting for you to finally propose to me never existed"

    And you thought you couldn't write poetry!


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